


Whiskey and Misery

by INMH



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alcohol, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Drunken Shenanigans, Drunkenness, Gen, General, Humor, References to Major Character Death, Somewhat anyway, Spoilers, Strong Language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-05
Updated: 2016-02-05
Packaged: 2018-05-18 07:42:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5907427
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/INMH/pseuds/INMH
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>SPOILERS for the movie, including a reference to a canonical character death. Post-movie, Hux, Phasma, and Kylo Ren reflect with some very strong alcohol. Hux taps on the fourth wall a bit.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Whiskey and Misery

**Author's Note:**

> I feel like if Hux wasn’t an alcoholic before Episode VII, he probably is now.

“Fitting.”

Kylo Ren glared at the mirror, examining carefully the scar that the scavenger girl had left on his face.

“It’s fitting that I should carry this scar, grandfather, however it was obtained. Perhaps this brings me one step closer to understanding why you- What are you doing?”

In the mirror, he had caught sight of Captain Phasma over his shoulder in the mirror. Her armor seemed unusually… Dented, much more so than the last time he’d seen her. When would she have had a chance to see combat? Most of the rebels’ attack had come from above.

Perhaps even more interesting, however, was that she was carrying a box full of bottles. Bottles that, from the color of the liquid and the insignia on the caps, implied heavily alcoholic beverages.

“I’m going to General Hux’s quarters.” Was her simple response.

Kylo Ren turned, eyebrow raised, and glanced at the box. Hux and he had a meeting with the Supreme Leader in the morning. That the General was imbibing tonight was terribly unusual. “With that?”

Phasma’s expression was concealed by her helmet, but there was an undeniable flatness to her voice that couldn’t be hidden by the voice modulator of her helmet. “Yes.”

“Why?”

“We’re going to shave some Taun-Tauns. I thought we might subdue them by bashing them over the heads with these bottles of Corellian whiskey.”

Kylo puffed up, indignant. “Are you being sarcastic with me?’

“ _No,_ ” Phasma said, sarcastically, before stepping out of the room.

Being the contentious beast that he’d been even before he’d been anything more than Ben Solo, Kylo Ren stormed after her.

“Despite what Hux has or hasn’t told you about the- _incident_ on the base, I am still in a position of authority in the First Order.”

“Of course.”

“Leader Snoke continues to have the utmost confidence in my abilities, and you are still expected to address me with the same respect that you did before.”

“Right.”

“And I could care less what that sycophant _Hux_ thinks about-” During the course of their journey and his ranting, Kylo had gotten closer behind Phasma as she walked, and he had suddenly detected a rather foul stench. “-what’s that smell?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, _sir_.” There was an edge to her voice now, the kind she used with trainees who didn’t know when to keep their mouths shut. It was eerily reminiscent of the tone his mother used to take with him when he’d gotten saucy as a child, and it had the same effect- he fell silent until they reached Hux’s quarters.

And then he couldn’t quite recall why he’d decided to follow Phasma here at all. He didn’t like Hux in the least, and Hux-

“Oh, what is _he_ doing here?”

…felt similarly.

“He was in the med-bay, talking to himself.”

On a different day, Kylo Ren might have made them both sorry for talking about him like he wasn’t in the room, and Phasma doubly sorry to have mentioned his… _Discussion_ to Hux, who didn’t need more ammunition about his mental health (or lack thereof) to throw at Leader Snoke.

But today, honestly, he was too tired. And Hux…

…Hux had been better.

The General- if he was even still a General, it wouldn’t surprise Kylo if the man had been demoted for the failure of the Star Killer (he should be so lucky, Lord Vader had a much more permanent solution for officers that failed him)- was currently face down on a table in the center of the room. From the state of the room, he’d already imbibed every other bit of alcohol available to him.

“You smell like whiskey and misery.”

“You smell like you got beat up by a girl half your size and a _Stormtrooper_ ,” Hux slurred.

Kylo Ren clenched his fists and growled through his teeth. Until he heard otherwise, unfortunately, Leader Snoke valued Hux’s experience and previous successes in the name of the First Order. Killing him would not be acceptable.

Unless, of course, there was a subtle way in which to use the Force to mimic the effects of alcohol poisoning, in which case…

“Oh, sit down, you bloody pain.”

Phasma’s voice went from modulated to normal in a matter of seconds, which was startling, as Kylo had never heard her real voice, nor seen her real face. She was pale blond, hair drawn back in a very small bun, with blue eyes. The scowl on her face was predictable enough, though, since that was always one thing that had translated very well through the voice-modulator.

She collapsed at the table, in the seat next to Hux. There was no pretense of dignity or decorum in the way she yanked the cap off the bottle and began drinking in earnest. She slid one of the other bottles to Hux, who lifted his head, took a swig, and then let his face slam back down onto the table.

Under different circumstances, Kylo Ren might have found Hux’s apparent misery the height of comedy. But given that Leader Snoke was actually just as irate with him as he was with Hux, it was a little difficult to take pleasure in much.

Oh. And he’d killed his father, too. Which didn’t feel quite as liberating as he thought it might.

So Kylo reluctantly took the seat across from Hux, on Phasma’s other side. He pulled a bottle forward, uncapped it, sniffed the contents, and grimaced.

“They never hit things before,” Hux mumbled suddenly, rolling a cap along the surface of the table with his finger. “The troopers. They’d fire and fire and fire their fucking blasters and they almost never hit a damn thing. I trained them to hit things. That should count for something.”

“You trained them very well, Hux,” Phasma soothed. She shot a conspicuous glance at Kylo Ren- namely, his face and the hint of bandage that showed on his neck- out of the corner of her eye. “Apparently.”

Kylo glared daggers at her in response, grip tightening on the neck of his bottle. “Shut up.”

“As you wish.”

“I’m not nearly drunk enough to forget this yet, Phasma. You’ll be dealing with me for weeks to come.”

“Might as well drown myself, then.” She grunted, taking another swig.

Kylo decided to go on the offense. “Where did those dents come from?” He nodded to her armor. “Did you have a run in with some of the troopers that Hux wasn’t able to teach?”

Hux snarled and shoved an empty bottle in Kylo’s direction. In his mind, he’d probably meant to throw it, but all he succeeded in doing was sending it rolling half-heartedly in the Sith’s direction. Kylo Ren couldn’t even bring himself to be offended, it was so pathetic. This was a man who knew fifty ways to kill you with a computer cable on a good day.

“Trash compactor.”

Kylo frowned. “What?”

_WHACK **KRK.**_

Phasma had slammed the bottle down onto the tabletop, causing the bottom to crack slightly. “I was put. Into. The. Trash. Compactor. By a _Wookie_.” She lifted the bottle and proceeded to down the rest, despite Hux’s weak protests of “Glass… Broken, broken glass, might want to…”

Kylo Ren barely managed to resist a flinch. Not for the first time, he was thankful that his familial relations were not public knowledge, nor were they even private knowledge amongst the upper-ranking members of the First Order. Leader Snoke knew, and no one else; good, since Phasma looked like she might take her frustrations with Chewbacca out on him if she knew their relation.

Former relation, anyway.

“So, my _Lord_ , what does it feel like to take a lightsaber to the face?” Phasma inquired, a savage undertone to her words.

“What do you think?” Kylo grunted. _What the hell,_ he thought, and took a big gulp of the whiskey- which was a mistake, because it almost came straight back up.

When he managed to stop coughing, Hux’s snickering was painfully audible. “Thas no shock. Are you even old enough to drink? You look like you should barely be out of your mum’s house, you little-”

**_SMASH_.**

The bottle that had been next to Hux’s hand abruptly went flying off the table and smashed into the wall. Kylo saw Phasma tense out of the corner of his eye, but Hux was far enough gone that basic survival instincts eluded him.

“Touchy, touchy,” The General giggled.

“In all seriousness,” Phasma ventured, “I didn’t realize you were so young.”

Kylo sniffed. “I’m almost thirty. That’s not much younger than either of you.”

“You’re practically a baby.”

“Oh, don’t,” Phasma snapped as Kylo whipped around to glare at Hux again. “The man’s ready to keel over. We’ll be lucky if his liver’s still functioning tomorrow.”

“And wouldn’t that be a shame.” Kylo grunted.

“Y’know,” Hux slurred, popping his head up so that he could rest his chin on the edge of the table and face Kylo properly (in a sense). “You do need a drink. A bloody big one, too. A drink, or a fuck. Something that might take the edge of this…” He waved his hand limply, vaguely, “…clusterfuck of a… _personality_ that is you.”

Kylo Ren stared at him for a long moment.

“I believe he’s suggesting that you take a moment to calm down.” Phasma remarked when he didn’t respond.

“And why would I need to calm down?”

Hux burst out into hysterical laughter, which caused him to fall out of his seat and onto the floor.

Phasma rolled her eyes shut. “Well, for one thing, the First Order is going to need to make some budget adjustments now that the Star Killer base is gone. Which means that the Supreme Leader might not take too kindly to your little lightsaber-tantrums all over the expensive equipment anymore.”

Kylo glared at her. “I barely caused any damage.”

“The troopers have been keeping track of how many days you’ve gone without destroying anything.”

The glare deepened. “ _Which_ troopers?”

Phasma opened her eyes and glared back. “ _All_ of them.”

Hux, still gasping with mirth, dragged himself back into his chair. “Why- Why would he need to- That’s- That’s good-”

“All he’s suggesting is that you get over your broody bullshit for one night. Get wasted. Isn’t that what twenty-somethings are supposed to do?”

“Sith and Jedi renounce a number of things when they take on the mantle,” Kylo Ren said imperiously. “Sex and alcohol are frowned upon, to say the least.”

“Oh _yes_ ,” Hux snorted. “And I’m sure they _followed_ that idea, because _everyone_ always follows the rules, all the time, right?”

“And what’s going to happen if you do?” Phasma said, tossing an empty bottle over her shoulder and not even flinching when it smashed loudly on the ground near Hux’s bed. “Will you burst into flames?”

“ _Please_ say yes!” Hux begged.

“Will your ancestors descend from on-high to chastise you?”

For all the reverence he had for Darth Vader, the prospect of him appearing to scold Kylo for drinking was somewhat amusing.

Of course, it was at this point that Kylo glanced down and realized that about half the bottle of whiskey was gone. After that mistaken first, large gulp he’d tried smaller amounts over the course of the conversation. His head felt a bit funny, a bit lighter than before, and the residual pain from his various injuries wasn’t quite as noticeable anymore.

Not to mention, he hadn’t snapped and choked Hux or Phasma yet. It was almost as thought the alcohol was making them somewhat… _Tolerable._ For once.

“Oh, the hell with it.”

Kylo downed the rest of the bottle, throat burning.

From there, the night got a lot fuzzier.

However defensive he was of his age, it was true that Kylo Ren had not imbibed much in his lifetime; once or twice as a teenager, with his father berating him for it at his mother’s insistence and then giving him hangover tips when her back was turned. As such, he didn’t have much in the way of a tolerance built up, like Phasma and Hux did.

A lot of things happened between that drink and the moment he passed out: Phasma stripped off the rest of her armor. At one point, her helmet ended up on Hux’s semi-conscious head. Hux lobbed empty bottles at Kylo, who sliced them (and a chair, and part of the table, and a wall) with his lightsaber. Hux lost any ability to form a coherent sentence. Phasma stood up, and slipped on half of a discarded bottle.

At some point during all of this, Kylo Ren passed out.

It was unclear whether or not he’d been standing or sitting or laying down at the time of said passing-out.

Whenever and however it had happened, Kylo awoke some time later to complete silence. And darkness.

For a moment, still considerably intoxicated, he wondered if maybe he had gone blind. Then he remembered that Hux’s quarters had motion-sensitive lights that shut down if they didn’t detect movement for some particular amount of time. The snoring coming from the darkness to his right told him that Phasma was still alive; Hux, being the drunkest of the lot, was debatable.

Speaking of Hux… Wasn’t there something important regarding Hux? Hux and he? Sometime in the near future? Something he was supposed to remember…?

Kylo thought on it for a while- which could have been minutes or seconds or days for how well his brain was functioning at present.

And then, cold, hard dread hit him like a punch in the gut.

“Hux…” Nothing. “ _Hux!_ ”

“Mm?” Came a grunt from a few feet to his left.

“Do we have a meeting with the Supreme Leader in the morning?”

All he heard from the darkness was a single word:

“ _Fuck._ ”

 

-End


End file.
